One Lonely Degree

I don't know since when, but I always feel serene whenever I am sitting alone on a bus or a train...in a long ride. Do nothing except gazing out of the window, at the traffic, or the empty street, or lines of heartbroken-looking trees, covering in brown dust. That's the time I really got the chance to think, to feel, to make plan, or just to dream. And that's also the time when i feel most lonely.

Lonely is a friend of mine, and i don't make any plan to chaste it away. Lonely, I can deal, just the same with sadness. Those two are much better than hopelessness, or fear, or disappointment. In a strange way lonely makes me feel more alive. It's like a blanket, something i should hold on to, something that would cover me from things that could be lots worse.

Lonely sometimes gives me lots of idea, lonely give me space, and lonely give me time. So, for me, lonely is a good thing.

Unfortunately, lonely also brought with it the pain of missing. Missing the time, missing the moment, missing the laughter, missing the smiles, the events, the stupidity, the impulsiveness, and of course the happiness. But mostly, lonely makes me missing the person. Yeah, always THE person, never another.

Missing the twinkle eyes, the dimples, the crooked teeth, the perfect nose, the warm laughter, the tight embrace, and the dreamlike kisses. The way love was whispered along the heavy made out session, the fights that always ended with smile and laughter, with the new faith that it would last forever. That the love could conquered all, all the differences, all the odds, all ghost from the past, all the stupid rules that the parents set. And to believe, once set, forever is a definite, and we will live thousand years more, till death do us apart. Death do us apart.

Yeah, till death, do us, apart.
And apart us do.

This time forever is indeed definite.

The Picture

Aku jatuh cinta seketika.
Saat itu aku sedang membuka sebuah buku kumpulan foto dari seorang sutradara kenamaan*, lalu aku melihat fotomu.
Kau sedang berdiri di atas salah satu layar komputer bobrok yang bertebaran di tepi pantai. Tanganmu terentang, kepalamu mendongak menghadap matahari, dan matamu terpejam, dengan rendah hati menghormati cahayanya yang terlalu agung bagi sepasang bola mata.
Tentu saja aku belum pernah melihatmu sebelumnya, tapi aku tak akan pernah melupakan namamu. Sederet huruf yang dicetak rapi dibawah foto itu. S. Teddy. Aku tentunya tidak tahu apa sebenarnya S yang ada dinamamu itu.
Tulisan lain di bawah fotomu itu mengatakan kalau kau adalah seorang seniman. Apakah karena itu kau terlihat begitu lepas? Atau otakku yang klise saja yang berusaha menghubung-hubungkan?

Ah, ada lagi, rambutmu tertiup angin, dan sepertinya di bibirmu terukir segaris senyum samar. Aku tak begitu yakin, wajahmu agak gelap efek dari cahaya siang yang terlalu terang. Kemeja terbuka bebas, tanpa ada satupun kancing yang tersangkut. Kain kotak-kotak biru itu berkibar ditiup angin, membuatmu seolah terbang.

Gelungan ombak yang membeku di belakangmu berbaur dengan birunya langit yang terlihat kelabu. Searak awan juga terlihat di sana, diam tak bergerak, seperti iringan yang terhenti. Semuanya menambah kuatnya kehadiran sosokmu di dalam foto itu. Satu-satunya mahkluk yang bisa bergerak sendiri, tanpa bantuan angin, tanpa dorongan air, tak perlu menunggu pusaran gelombang.

Hanya kau, di tepi pantai yang sepi itu.

*Garin Nugroho,2011,hal 242

sung by ms.rachel berry

what can you do when your good isn't good enough?
and all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intention keep making a mess of thing,
and I wanna fix it somehow.

but how many times will it take
how many times will it take for me, to get it right?