time to write it down

time to write it down...

it's not something that usually can slip just like that from my mouth. actually, i really wish to tell all of them. back then, there was a time when i really wanted to call somebody for help, i need to share it, n hoping that someone could ease it...

it hurts, it shameful...as if u have to spread the news about ur own flaw. or like u put the big 'L' word in ur own forehead. if it only sad, it would be a lot easier...i have to admit that i was, am a pathetic person for not letting him go, or actually what i suppose to do is throw him out of my life, but i cant. i could say that i didnt do it because i just dont wanna give him to that girl, but maybe, its not because i dont want to, but more because i cant. i incapable of being alone. not in that ugly tiny lil room, where he usually came every each nite to accompany me. i cnt stand the image, me, alone, with nobody to wait, staring at that gloomy white walls, try not to look at the door, since nobody would show up.
as bad as what he had done to me, but he always there.tiap gue takut, tiap gue minta dia dateng, n make himself a good company...

pasti ada juga masanya gue ngerasa kalau gue bakal baik2 aja, ada ga ada dia, im way stronger than that, tapi gue ga mauuu, gue takut.what if when i finally get rid of him, gue menyesalinya...lalu apa yang harus saya lakukaaaan??

the strangest thing is, i could understand all of those stupid n heartless act they do. n somehow it hurts me more...since somehow, i also think it is beautiful...what they had, n probably still have. kalo lagi bingung, gue suka ga yakin, apa gue melakukan hal yang benar, apa dia emang bakal lebih heppy sama-sama gue.gimana kalo gue salah? gimana kalo kebahagian sejatinya dia ya sama cewe itu, dan gue cuma sesuatu untuk mempertegas hal itu? mungkin dulu mereka putus karena mereka terlalu menyayangi satu sama lain, n mungkin kalau sekarang mereka mulai lagi, mereka akan lebih bahagia, karena mereka udah lebih dewasa, dan mereka pernah kehilangan satu sama lain, jadi mereka bakal ngejaga kebersamaan mereka itu dengan lebih baik. gimana kalau sebenernya penjahat dicerita ini adalah gue, karena memaksakan memiliki sesuatu yang bukan punya gue?yang mungkin dari awal, emang ga pernah jadi punya gue, gue cuma dipenjemin aja, but i was too oblivious to see.

jadi kalo gitu, apa yang harus gue lakuin sekarang?
apa yang harus gue lakukan biar gue bisa dapet jawabannya?

is he mine to keep??