The hell, apparently i got bored and annoyed without no reason.
I've finished reading all the 9gag new posts, there are no one INTERESTING in my office right now, doesn't feel curios about certain issue just so i can wasting my time googling something, doesn't have the urge to do something useful or productive, so instead i'm just rambling here. Dead Bored. *sigh*
all of my good friends are out of reach.
bummer!
oh, im getting married, yeay.
One Lonely Degree
I don't know since when, but I always feel serene whenever I am sitting alone on a bus or a train...in a long ride. Do nothing except gazing out of the window, at the traffic, or the empty street, or lines of heartbroken-looking trees, covering in brown dust. That's the time I really got the chance to think, to feel, to make plan, or just to dream. And that's also the time when i feel most lonely.
Lonely is a friend of mine, and i don't make any plan to chaste it away. Lonely, I can deal, just the same with sadness. Those two are much better than hopelessness, or fear, or disappointment. In a strange way lonely makes me feel more alive. It's like a blanket, something i should hold on to, something that would cover me from things that could be lots worse.
Lonely sometimes gives me lots of idea, lonely give me space, and lonely give me time. So, for me, lonely is a good thing.
Unfortunately, lonely also brought with it the pain of missing. Missing the time, missing the moment, missing the laughter, missing the smiles, the events, the stupidity, the impulsiveness, and of course the happiness. But mostly, lonely makes me missing the person. Yeah, always THE person, never another.
Missing the twinkle eyes, the dimples, the crooked teeth, the perfect nose, the warm laughter, the tight embrace, and the dreamlike kisses. The way love was whispered along the heavy made out session, the fights that always ended with smile and laughter, with the new faith that it would last forever. That the love could conquered all, all the differences, all the odds, all ghost from the past, all the stupid rules that the parents set. And to believe, once set, forever is a definite, and we will live thousand years more, till death do us apart. Death do us apart.
Yeah, till death, do us, apart.
And apart us do.
This time forever is indeed definite.
The Picture
Aku jatuh cinta seketika.
Saat itu aku sedang membuka sebuah buku kumpulan foto dari seorang sutradara kenamaan*, lalu aku melihat fotomu.
Kau sedang berdiri di atas salah satu layar komputer bobrok yang bertebaran di tepi pantai. Tanganmu terentang, kepalamu mendongak menghadap matahari, dan matamu terpejam, dengan rendah hati menghormati cahayanya yang terlalu agung bagi sepasang bola mata.
Tentu saja aku belum pernah melihatmu sebelumnya, tapi aku tak akan pernah melupakan namamu. Sederet huruf yang dicetak rapi dibawah foto itu. S. Teddy. Aku tentunya tidak tahu apa sebenarnya S yang ada dinamamu itu.
Tulisan lain di bawah fotomu itu mengatakan kalau kau adalah seorang seniman. Apakah karena itu kau terlihat begitu lepas? Atau otakku yang klise saja yang berusaha menghubung-hubungkan?
Ah, ada lagi, rambutmu tertiup angin, dan sepertinya di bibirmu terukir segaris senyum samar. Aku tak begitu yakin, wajahmu agak gelap efek dari cahaya siang yang terlalu terang. Kemeja terbuka bebas, tanpa ada satupun kancing yang tersangkut. Kain kotak-kotak biru itu berkibar ditiup angin, membuatmu seolah terbang.
Gelungan ombak yang membeku di belakangmu berbaur dengan birunya langit yang terlihat kelabu. Searak awan juga terlihat di sana, diam tak bergerak, seperti iringan yang terhenti. Semuanya menambah kuatnya kehadiran sosokmu di dalam foto itu. Satu-satunya mahkluk yang bisa bergerak sendiri, tanpa bantuan angin, tanpa dorongan air, tak perlu menunggu pusaran gelombang.
Hanya kau, di tepi pantai yang sepi itu.
*Garin Nugroho,2011,hal 242
sung by ms.rachel berry
what can you do when your good isn't good enough?
and all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intention keep making a mess of thing,
and I wanna fix it somehow.
but how many times will it take
how many times will it take for me, to get it right?
and all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intention keep making a mess of thing,
and I wanna fix it somehow.
but how many times will it take
how many times will it take for me, to get it right?
Sepanjang jalan tol, sangat mudah untuk ngebiarin perhatian lo kerengut sama lampu jalan yang berderet sepanjang perjalanan, dengan sinarnya yang kuning, seolah-olah menjanjikan keamanan. Apa iya?
Keamanan, kenyamanan, hidup. Rasanya tiga hal itu saling berhubungan, well seharusnya selalu berhubungan. Hidup semestinya selalu aman dan nyaman. Beda dengan mati. Saat mati tak butuh apapun. Usai.
Kematian sebenarnya selalu lebih gampang, tapi kenapa terasa begitu menakutkan, kenapa manusia berjuang supaya bisa menunda kematian selama mungkin. Dan gue, gimana dengan gue?
Sudah dari beberapa tahun yang lalu kematian bukan lagi jadi sesuatu yang asing, bukan lagi sesuatu yang hanya terjadi pada orang lain, well, walau tentu aja yang mati itu bukan gue, ga pernah gue, tapi there it is, right in front of me, slap me in my face, hard.
Dan udah dari bertahun2 yang lalu juga gue sadar, bahwa ga ada yang nggak mungkin, that i am not bullet proof, anything could be happened, no matter how hard, bad, n ugly they were. And most of those ugly things already happened, to me. And i always be able to face, to walked through it, to left all of those things behind. everything who cant kill you only make u stronger, right. But what if, the next ugly thing i face kills me? And then what?
I never afraid of dying, hell, i never plan to live a long age anyway, but it change now. Die is not that easy anymore, not when u have a baby that would be raise by his horrible father when u're gone.
my life is not mine anymore, so i better take a better care of it.
Keamanan, kenyamanan, hidup. Rasanya tiga hal itu saling berhubungan, well seharusnya selalu berhubungan. Hidup semestinya selalu aman dan nyaman. Beda dengan mati. Saat mati tak butuh apapun. Usai.
Kematian sebenarnya selalu lebih gampang, tapi kenapa terasa begitu menakutkan, kenapa manusia berjuang supaya bisa menunda kematian selama mungkin. Dan gue, gimana dengan gue?
Sudah dari beberapa tahun yang lalu kematian bukan lagi jadi sesuatu yang asing, bukan lagi sesuatu yang hanya terjadi pada orang lain, well, walau tentu aja yang mati itu bukan gue, ga pernah gue, tapi there it is, right in front of me, slap me in my face, hard.
Dan udah dari bertahun2 yang lalu juga gue sadar, bahwa ga ada yang nggak mungkin, that i am not bullet proof, anything could be happened, no matter how hard, bad, n ugly they were. And most of those ugly things already happened, to me. And i always be able to face, to walked through it, to left all of those things behind. everything who cant kill you only make u stronger, right. But what if, the next ugly thing i face kills me? And then what?
I never afraid of dying, hell, i never plan to live a long age anyway, but it change now. Die is not that easy anymore, not when u have a baby that would be raise by his horrible father when u're gone.
my life is not mine anymore, so i better take a better care of it.
I hate monday, seriously hate it...
okaaay...so the M from PMS gue hasn't arrive yet...maybe that's why i'm really cranky right now. aside for feeling bored, and jaded, and cynical...i also find other people including some of my good friends, just by seeing their tweets in my timeline, absolutely hateable. urrgh...
i found everybody annoying!
i found everybody annoying!
ready or not
lately my mind was occupied with the love life, or in my case, the lack of it.
agak terobsesi sama keinginan buat berpasangan, tapi ternyata keinginan itu cuma dipermukaan.
sepertinya gue belum siap buat terlibat dalam suatu hubungan lagi. ga pengen ada yang nanya2 gue mau kemana, ketemu sama siapa, mau ngapain. rasanya rese aja, bikin suffocate. mungkin bias dari hubungan sebelumnya.
atau mungkin belum ada orang yang benar2 gue inginkan yang menanyakan pertanyaan itu.
yeah, whateverlah.
agak terobsesi sama keinginan buat berpasangan, tapi ternyata keinginan itu cuma dipermukaan.
sepertinya gue belum siap buat terlibat dalam suatu hubungan lagi. ga pengen ada yang nanya2 gue mau kemana, ketemu sama siapa, mau ngapain. rasanya rese aja, bikin suffocate. mungkin bias dari hubungan sebelumnya.
atau mungkin belum ada orang yang benar2 gue inginkan yang menanyakan pertanyaan itu.
yeah, whateverlah.
